“Ang, it’s time to get up, “says my mom with her gentle, soothing voice. Without hesitation, I jump out of bed with as much excitement as a kid on Christmas morning. Today, is my very first day at my new school. I have waited anxiously for this day for what seems like a lifetime. Located on my desk chair is my freshly ironed uniform dress; brand new, white, Reebok sneakers; and accessories to complement the look. “Everything has to be perfect,” I say as I slowly and carefully dress myself. After all, I want to look sharp on my first day. I soak in these final moments of leaving 6^th grade in my past and beginning a new year as 7^th grader at the prestigious all-girls school.

I complete my look by tying a little, black ribbon into a perfectly knotted bow and stand in front of the mirror. The blue colored uniform reflecting back at me symbolically represents the way I feel about myself. Confident, loyal, and intelligent. Satisfaction and pride linger behind the smile that crosses my angelic face, and the vision of me receiving my acceptance letter comes flooding back into the forefront of my mind. I confidently stare into the mirror with as much pride and self-assurance as I have ever felt in my life. “You are going to do great things and meet so many new friends,” I say to myself as I close my bedroom door. I didn’t yet know that in the quiet spaces of my mind, Ed was lurking in the shadows ready to pounce. Ed was waiting to use the competitive nature of an all-girls school to his advantage. Ed was lining things up like pieces on a chess board to play against me. He would use the mirror to distort my image by telling me I was flawed so that I would spend hours trying to “fix” myself. Ed would plant seeds of doubt and use his false evidence to try and destroy me.

Ed is a master con artist which is why eating disorders take so many lives. Ed slowly and methodically began highlighting the difference between me and the other teenagers who roamed the halls, and I wasn’t prepared for this comparison. I wasn’t ready for the competitive spirit between me and the Jaguars and Suburbans filled with girls who would one day want the exact same thing I would, but there would only be a few, pre-selected spots. I didn’t know about status, money, and power, but Ed did, and he would use it to hurt me.

After all, I was a simple girl who loved using her mind creatively. I spent my summer days playing Doctor Quinn Medicine Woman in the woods while waiting for the handsome, rugged Sully to ride in on his horse to rescue me. I converted the empty barn on our acre lot into an I Love Lucy apartment. My sister and I would act out scenes from the show and perform them in front of our family. As a young, wild-at-heart girl, I believed life was about adventure and imagination.

My first two years at the all-girls school were filled with many self-confidence building activities. I was heavily involved in sports. I enjoyed the camaraderie of the team and spending time with my friends. I especially loved sharing a common interest with my dad who is my hero. My dad was a phenomenal athlete, basketball player, and coach throughout his life. He was awarded athlete of the year when he was in high school, won MVP titles while playing college basketball, and had an incredible work ethic that helped him achieve his goals. I wasn’t really passionate about playing sports or naturally gifted at them, but it was a learning experience that helped impart character traits that would influence my life decisions.

During our practices, my dad instilled in me focus, drive, determination, and the importance of working for what you want in life. Ed would later use these skills to motivate me towards my new purpose of winning the coveted title, “Miss Thinnest Girl in the World.” Ed would capitalize on the idea that I wasn’t innately skilled at sports like my dad to make me doubt myself as a worthy individual who had incredible talents in other areas.

First, Ed used insults and lies in his attack by saying, “Andrea, you were not good enough to make the cheerleading team so you must not be good at anything.”  This was a lie that took years to overcome because he made it sound so convincing. You see, Ed likes to leave out facts that don’t support his version of the story. Facts I later learned; that my spot on the cheerleading team was affected because my family declined to donate money to the school. Ed convinced me that it was my lack of abilities that was the deciding factor, and it was a strong trap for Ed to sink his claws. While in recovery, I learned to use the correct evidence to support my facts. I stood firm in my truths, “It wasn’t my lack of abilities that affected my chances on the cheerleading team but an issue regarding money. I am good at many things, and you don’t define what’s good enough for me.” Every lie and insult he hurled at me, I countered it with my truths.

Ed used distorted comparisons to attack. He compared me to others. I would be standing in front of the long, rectangle mirror at school while Ed was whispering sour lies in my ear. Ed would distort my self-image, allowing me to only see fat and shame. Ed taunted me with the words: “Mirror Mirror on the wall, who’s the thinnest of them all? Andrea, you need to eat less because you are not as thin as the girl standing next to you. She must be more accepted and loved than you.”

I finally overcame these comparisons by gaining self-acceptance for my body and appearance. I started seeing my body as a beautiful masterpiece that kept me alive and functioning. I started noticing the features that made me unique. I loved that my smile was similar to my mom’s smile, and my eye color matched my sister’s big, beautiful eyes. I loved that my complexion was like my dad’s porcelain skin tone, and my overall features were a distinct association to my other family members. I stopped allowing Ed to compare me to other people and accepted that I was my own special person. Instead of critiquing myself in front of the mirror, I complimented myself in front of it. I put up post-it notes of affirmations on my mirror and repeated them daily. I have practiced my affirmations for so long that they have become ingrained. When I stand in front of the mirror, thoughts of “You are important; You are valued; and You are worthy” subconsciously take the forefront of my mind. I wear my armor, and Ed doesn’t have a weapon strong enough to puncture it.

Ed’s primary tool is lies so the primary defense is truths. The lies are well constructed and can be difficult to see past. However, the truth is always underneath and in order to find recovery, one must find it. When using the truth as a defense, expect that Ed will challenge this truth, and attempt to convince you that it is false. He will tell you the sky is green, grass is blue, and you are worthless. The sky is blue, the grass is green, and you are worth more than you can comprehend. Stand firm in your truths and wear them as your armor preparing for battle. “Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith.” 1 Pet. 5:8-9