My alarm goes off and I press the snooze button. It’s 5:00 in the morning and my heavy eyes tell me I’ve only been asleep for a few hours. Maybe I can sleep for another hour I think to myself as I roll over and close my eyes. “Get up and burn calories. You want to be thinner than all of the other girls at school,” whispers Ed. He’s right. I throw off the covers and quickly change into shorts, a t-shirt, and tennis shoes. My muscles feel stiff and tight from the rough night’s sleep, but I know that once I start running, they will loosen up. I head downstairs into the living room where the treadmill is located. I turn on the television and watch the early morning show to help pass the time it takes to run in place. My stomach growls, and I don’t have a lot of energy. I pull up my shirt and look down at my stomach. Ugh, I wish my stomach would just go away and shrink down to nothing. “It’s good to run on an empty stomach. You will burn more fat that way,” says Ed. He’s right again so I listen.

I start the treadmill and give myself a two-minute walking warm-up. The treadmill is loud, and I wouldn’t’ be surprised if it wakes up my family but that is the least of my worries. I have to finish this workout so Ed will be proud of me. He won’t want me to eat breakfast if I don’t first burn calories so it’s better to do the workout. Ten minutes into the run and my body feels shaky and weak. I get a dizzy, light-headed sensation, but Ed tells me, “The harder you run the better you will feel about yourself. Look at the fat floating off of your body. I am so proud of you!” I increase the speed and incline of the treadmill. It gives me an incredible high to watch the calories counter increase from 0-500 by the end of my workout. I lift up my shirt and look down at my stomach again. It looks smaller and less full. I know this will change once I eat a plain piece of toast for my so-called “breakfast” but for now, my stomach is right where I want it. I give Ed a high-five and head towards the bathroom where my fortune-teller scale awaits me. As I step on the scale to read my worth for the day, Ed whispers, “That was a pretty good run but tomorrow you need to run faster. You want to burn 501 calories instead of just the 500 you burned today.” I nod my head in agreement, and we wait for the flashing number on the scale to tell me if I am good enough.

You see, Ed has a lot of rules. When I follow his advice, he tells me that I am special, and I will be a success. He tells me that once I reach my magic number, I will finally be happy with myself. He tells me that if I keep listening to him, then I will be in control of my life. When I don’t obey Ed or meet his expectations of me, he tells me that I am worthless, and I will never be good enough. He tells me that without him I will never amount to anything because my outer appearance is more important than who I am on the inside. He tells me that if I let him go, I will become his greatest fear…fat.

The reality of listening to Ed is this: He has the control, and he will keep it until you start disobeying his rules. His rules, though they may be different for each person, are centered around destroying you and ultimately, taking your life. He doesn’t look out for your best interest or want you to accomplish amazing things. He is a liar and a thief. His voice resembles the voice of an abuser. He tells us that we have to be the thinnest or fittest girl in the world; our bodies are not good enough if every inch isn’t toned and sculpted;  we are failures because we didn’t make all A’s in school; we are alone and no one will love us for who we are;  we can’t eat breakfast because our stomach will expand;  we can’t eat carbohydrates because they are bad; we can’t go to parties or restaurants because food will be there; people won’t accept us because we don’t weigh the lowest number on the scale; our worth is defined by the size of our clothes; we have to exercise until we are about to pass out or it doesn’t count; and the list goes on and on. This voice is harsh, mean, critical, unloving, uncaring, scarring, and just plain ridiculous. You wouldn’t allow your best friend to talk to you this way so it’s time to stop allowing Ed’s voice to dominate your thoughts.

Separating your voice from your eating disorder’s voice is an important step to freedom. If you want to gain back the control, you have to take it back from your eating disorder. The voice I should have been listening to is the one I listen to now. My voice. Andrea says that she is good enough by just being born; she is worthy of love and belonging no matter what number she weighs on the scale; her stomach is a beautiful part of her body that digests her food and will one day hold her babies; some fat on her body is an important backup source of energy and fuel to finish a run on the treadmill; she is beautiful by just being who she is; God loves and accepts her unconditionally; she is capable of choosing her happiness; and eating food is a delicious treat that she can experience guilt free. Most importantly, I know that I am more than good enough. The voice I listen to now doesn’t come with rules, regulations, and unrealistic expectations for myself. This one is loving, encouraging, supportive, rational, and brings me the happiness Ed tried to tell me the magic number on the scale would give me.

When I stopped letting Ed run my life, I no longer had to be the thinnest or fittest girl in the room because that is not where I find my self-worth. I don’t have to exercise in order to eat breakfast or enjoy dessert. Today, my body is at its natural, healthy weight because I am allowing my body to do the job it was created to do. I exercise because it is a choice that I make to keep my body strong and functioning. Food and exercise no longer consume my thoughts, and my mind is open to enjoying the beautiful things that life has to offer. I eat a variety of foods, including carbohydrates, because my brain and body need nourishment to keep me alive. I declared my independence and like a strong, independent woman, I am no longer a prisoner to the false ideals set-up by the ruler dictator, Ed. It all starts with you making a choice. If you don’t feel strong enough yet, then I am here fighting this battle with you. You got this!

“But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.” 1 Samuel 16:7

(Follow and Subscribe)